Album: Digital Shades Volume 1

Reviewer: Matt Wendus

Usounds, 2007

Writing Disorders: Purple Hemorrhage, Jargon Palsy

Dollar Words: woeful, dynamics, dirge

Most Emo Phrase: “each song draws sorrow out of the listener’s body, like venom from a ripped wound.”

Biggest WTF Moment: “It’s a morose catharsis that reflects the cold chemical answers that our current and future civilizations look to for aid.”

Yes, I wrote this music review. Yes, I am serious. I ain’t got no right to bad mouth another man’s garbage if I’m not prepared to take out my own. And this garbage deserves to be taken out.

First, the “beef-up BS with words” introduction:

“as technology advances with the times, the detail demanded during the analog days of electronica is often passed over in favor of letting the machines just do their thing”

Yeah, just admit it dude, you don’t know anything about analog keyboards.

You also don’t spare a single adjective when describing the band:

“…able to incorporate the souls of woeful balladeers into a highly micro-analyzed take on ambient electronic”

Speaking of micro-analyzed…AHEM. COUGH COUGH.

“the band unleashes a swirling sensory experience of futuristic sights and sounds rather than an exercise in virtuosity”

So any dumbass with a Casio can create a “swirling sensory experience?” I don’t think it’s likely that a swirling sensory experience can be created by anyone but a virtuoso. And no, Matt, not all virtuosos are Steve Vai. They’re just people who play their instruments well.

“The tempos are slowed and the mood is reigned into atmospherics”

Uh-oh. You used the words “atmospherics.” Jeez, don’t you know anything about anything? Only pussyfooters use that word. I think what you MEANT to say was “two healthy guitarists who alternate featherlight solos with the sound of breeze and rustle.” Thanks, Mike Powell of the Village Voice!

And look at the stuff you manage to cram into your conclusion:

“scathing flares of static carry the ghostly voices forward in their dirge”

What the hell is this? The script to “A Druid Family Christmas?” Save it for the “New Moon” premier.

Matt from 2 years ago, we’ll meet again.