Artist: Minus the Bear

Album: Omni

Reviewer: Ian Cohen

Pitchfork, 2010

Writing Disorders: Jargon Palsy, Ambiguity Sickness








Most Emo Phrase: “You confront that awkwardness from the first second”

Beer or Music?: “lite-funk trappings”




Ian, I originally planned on featuring you in a post about Pitchfork’s dugout being bereft of black folk. And yes, through the magic of Facebook and Google, I’m able to check such things. I settled on you because whenever Pitchfork probes a record with two scowling black men on the cover, there’s a good chance your name’s in the byline. In the end I figured it wasn’t worth inciting hysteria by suggesting it’s dumb reserving beats and rhymes for a white guy who writes about hip hop like Victorian cabinetry. I fully support people’s God-given right to type pretentious jargon about any genre of music regardless of color or race. The more the merrier for me. But it’s still queer how most music jargon’s typed by hands lighter than a latte.

Anyway, I decided not to blow the racial powder keg, but focus on your review of a band that would get red at the beach. There’s still plenty to joke about. Let’s start with your opening:

“Indie rock has often had an uneasy relationship with sex. While some bands in that realm are capable of carnality and seduction, many would rather let the sonics do the work, and lyrically, it can be tough to reconcile base sensations with music that prides itself on its intelligence.”

Um…judging from that, I’d say your unease is squirmier than any band’s. “It can be tough to reconcile the base sensations?” Wow. Do you make partners flash zoning permits before entering your bed or are you still in the planning phase? If you can’t knock a band’s bedroom jazz without making it sound clinical, maybe you should ease off the barb pedal. Half your review was devoted to niggling the singer’s idea of fucking after all:

“adding a creepy dimension to the keg-hovering come-ons”

“You don’t need to be a soul-papa belter in order to talk about the passion”

“lyrics about the pleasures of the flesh that would be sketchy enough”

Hey, at least the guy sings about what’s coming out of his pleasure center. Maybe you could have provided us some of your own sexual poetry for comparison, Ian. I certainly would have enjoyed it. Moving on…

There’s heaps of junk here I could rattle about for days, but I’m bound by editing. Here’s a good example of the opposite of that:

“for a veteran band like Minus the Bear, newly signed to Dangerbird Records and known in the past for knotted, prog-spiked populist indie, it’s a move of baffling awkwardness.”

Female: Whatcha listening to?

Male: Minus the Bear.

Female: OH, I’ve heard about them! Aren’t they known for knotted, prog-spiked populist indie?

Male: [coldly]…Not anymore.

Jesus H. Christ, how about writing, “It’s an awkward move?” You know, like applying 3 levels of made-up taxonomy to a band is AN AWKWARD MOVE. Baffling awkwardness…yeesh. I ’ma drop another editing fail of yours, Ian. You could use the help admitting you have a problem.

“And yet, in a weird way Omni is actually kind of admirable.”

I had a high school English teacher who used to embarrass students by saying “kind of” like Yogi Bear every time they dropped word junk in discussions. If only you were so lucky. You already wrote “in a weird way.” You don’t need to follow it with “kind of.”

I wondered how you burned so many words on an album you detested ‘fore I realized you fluffed things up with critical catch phrases. You got a manual compiled for quick reference? This review’s chock full of cotton balls. Here’s a few in case you can’t pick them out on your own:

“it also boasts an immediacy and pop smarts”

“the issue lies in the incongruity of the delivery”

“pop and sheen that would make the most anonymous of 1980s corporate rockers proud”

Ian, if you click on “Read a Random Rip” on the right side of RipFork, you’ll probably come across something like those featherweights in other crappy reviews. They’re a common affliction in your occupation.

I’m sure you need to study up on the latest pseudo-underground hum-thump populist-hop, so I’m going to cap this off with your one piece of faint praise for the band:

“And credit Minus the Bear for aiming to be something than just another competent indie band.”

If only they weren’t so clueless about what Ian Cohen likes.