Music Lice in Motion: Matt LeMay

Hello dear readers. I’ve decided to unveil a new feature of RipFork. For you folks out there who can’t read so goods but enjoy pictures, this’ll totally fondle you. It’s called “Music Lice in Motion.” Here’s how it works.  I’ll take a video of a music critic and give my thoughts on his thoughts. Simple as that. But first I’m going to take really funny still frames and make homoerotic jokes:

Matt LeMay: No, SERIOUSLY. He was LITERALLY like this big.

Interviewer: Mmm…I bet you put your lips on it just like this.

Matt LeMay: It’s really starting to bug me how he won’t let the palm of my hand touch. It’s just fingertips and eye contact the whole time. I really want to show him I can use the palm.

Interviewer: I breathed on one once.

Interviewer: I like the site where the dongs are, like, this big around and…oh what’s the name…Freaks of Cock, I think it is? Boy I’d like to wear one of those.

 

They might have CG-d the dongs in later, but those still frames are actually just from an interview of music critic Matt LeMay by interviewer Needs to Hit the Weight Room. Seriously dude, how you gonna lift a car off an accident victim with those pipe cleaners? Yeesh.

 

Anyway, I’m sure Matt LeMay is internationally recognized now, but seven years ago he was known for one thing and one thing only: giving the Liz Phair album that wasn’t Exile in Guyville the lowest rating in Pitchfork history. Not counting Ray Suzuki’s video of a chimp tasting his own urea, Matt LeMay’s 900-word review is one of only a few to ever hit bottom baseline. Yes indeed, this is the guy who rated an album adorned with a smoking hot woman spread eagle behind an electric guitar…a 0.0.

 

I could rattle on about how a career typist gave a musician that kind of donkey punch, but I’m going to move on. Liz Phair can take care of Liz Phair.

 

First, watch the interview.

 

…If you don’t want to watch the whole thing, just skip to 3:20.

 

And now that I’ve given my laughter a chance to subside, I can gleefully say wasn’t expecting definitive proof that at least one of these fools actually SPEAKS as farty as he writes. What you saw was real. That man is really that dull in person. He really pushed that jargon past his lips. He really said, “There seems to be a fairly obvious corollary insofar as.” This Pitchfork writer is really as bad in conversation as he is on paper. It’s not just a writing disorder. Read some of these juicy morsels from Mr. Lemay’s robotic mouth:

 

“sort of rises to the top of the culture”

 

“music that requires a bit more of an investment to really parse.”

 

“bands that are maybe working within a more traditional paradigm”

 

Any of that junk could appear in a regular post on RipFork, culled from some sanctimonious written review. You’d think a guy who listens to music like a chore would have something looser to say in person. By the way, how many times did you rehearse these mini lectures, Matt? Every other second, you’re staring up at the ceiling like you’re scared Pipecleaners is going to blacklist you for screwing up. Did you have to stop and refer to your script during one of the five cuts in a four-minute interview, or were your answers just too tedious to keep in their entirety?

 

If RipFork readers need any further explanation of why I’m annoyed that bad writers have such a stranglehold on music, I suggest you watch the video again. If there’s any sign pointing to a man needing to get his nose out of his own crummy excuse for expression, it’s Matt LeMay’s performance in this video. Towards the end, he even fed me a perfect cut:

 

“and not to have to lay yourself prostrate before the idea of art”

 

Maybe I’m just a nitwit, but I reckon most people couldn’t have pulled something that curly out of their asses in conversation. Wow. Lying prostrate before the idea of art, huh? That’s funny. If nothing else, that’s exactly what you should have been doing, Mr. 0.0.

 

“I don’t know, it’s kind of sketchy, I think”

25 thoughts on “Music Lice in Motion: Matt LeMay

  1. “Yes indeed, this is the guy who rated an album adorned with a smoking hot woman spread eagle behind an electric guitar…a 0.0.”

    Miss.

    The guy who rips music critics is suggesting that the cover art should somehow relate to the score?

  2. Lame. This site is in total freefall from here on in. Also “26 followers on Facebook” – a devoted following! O_o

  3. Snark snark snark, I’m Matt Wendus, the guy who doesn’t have enough sense to understand that replying to trolls like me on your own comments section is like buying Magnum condoms at a 7-11 to try and impress the girl at the counter (I know you love sexual imagery, so that one was for free).

    You’re so lame, I’d take a $20 bet you were a “communications major” in college.

  4. I’m amused by how they don’t attack your content, but instead go for the personal attacks. What a leg to stand on.

    Who the hell “parses” music??? I parse computer code, I /listen/ to music. 20$ says LeMay would flunk a Voight-Kampff test.

  5. Yeah, because it’s not like half of Wendus’ “post” isn’t homophobic “lolol Matt LeMay looks gay” garbage. You never go for personal attacks, right Matt? Like when you post pictures of reviewers, that’s totally relevant to the criticism, right?

  6. Okay, dropping the flame shit, because it’s boring and somewhat useless overall. In all seriousness, I’d really like you to address why the first half of you critiquing an interview (the mere action of which, by the way, is totally divorced from your original intent, which is to stick up for musicians– you do know that interviews are a POSITIVE thing for artists, right?) has to be so goddamn riddled with gay jokes. What relevance does it have?

    Do you really think it’s funny?

  7. If you can tell me how that interview was positive for artists, I’ll show you mine.

  8. “I don’t think music should be scored.”

    If you don’t think music should be scored, then why the hell does it matter *what* score he gave Liz Phair’s hot-covered album?

  9. seriously? ” parse” and ” prostrate” ? who talks like that? verbose and likeably pompous all in one interview. that’s awesome. go easy sir on Mr. Bright and Mr. Ghost. they’ll be ok eventually.how come they get all pissy pants on you man? i thought this was just a comedy site,right? right? am i right?

  10. I have to stifle a laugh at dear old Matthew Wendus, his attempts are amusing… His fleeting attempts to lasso readership by slating reviewers is quite admirable, in the same sense that rallying against illegal downloading can seem ‘heroic’ to 14-year-olds, it’s useless.

    …I’ll continue my Wild Western imagery in this tidy little paragraph. Wendus sets himself out as some sort of derided musical cowboy atop of a shaky stead… A vigilante, fingers curled around his Magnum ice-cream.

    I mean, anyone with a ‘MOST WANTED LIST’ must have been made to watch innumerable Wild Westerns by their absent father, but nonetheless it doesn’t excuse a confused and contradictory ‘ethos’. For by somebody who isn’t teenager you like insertions of adolescence what are you trying to regain? (I ask this, as I’ve picked up on your trait of asking inanimate text questions to prove a point *har-har*)

    The main ‘rips’ here consist of primarily (paraphrasing);

    – ‘oh no, this record is pretentious (insert an attempt at being funny whilst spouting an Americanised anecdote about how normal I am )’. *TIP* You aren’t 16 years-old Matthew, and you’re not a character on MTV’s Beavis & Butt-Head.

    – Treat music as something sedate and non-revelatory, mock those who attempt to view it as something special by fixing your ‘rip’ with a cool aloof nature, mixed with frequent lashings of internet logic. RAD DUDE!!111!!!!!

    Matthew are you one of them clever ‘e-warriors’ I’ve heard about? Tell me more about the fast-food you eat please, or even the time whilst listening to Sonic Youth when you fingered your next-door neighbour. THIS IS WHAT I COME HERE FOR! Those realistic vignettes you produce. You’re like an American Alan Bennett.

    Occasionally you get IT right. But most of the time you’re tripped over by silly contradictions. You carefully construct asides, and insert them accordingly.
    You transport us lucky readers beside you and your cum-stained keyboard and then inside the mind of a college boy pretending to be irreverent… But don’t worry we understand.

    You do herald a heady mix of pubescent angst, formed under the assumption that the hairs growing on your thighs are ridding you of your own innocence. They aren’t Matty, it’s called growing up. It’s a biological process. Now come on, stop being so nihilistic you brute.

    How old are you anyway?

    PS. Any readers interested in Matthew’s bitterness should visit the site below to observe his fraudulent ties with SHIT journalism. http://ichlugebullets.wordpress.com/2010/01/04/matt-wendus-loses-stare-out-contest-with-the-void/

  11. @Hobo

    “SHIT journalism.”

    In comments, article’s author says “tl;dr” in response to Wendus’s reply. That wordpress dude is legit.

    In criticizing Wendus, you displayed a slightly higher maturity level (less sarcasm/innuendo), but godallmighty is your writing terrible.

    “You carefully construct asides, and insert them accordingly.”

    Your ability to use a thesaurus, or the ad hominem, or the usage of Philosophy 101 words don’t really elevate your writing to the level you seem to think. At least Wendus was literate in his immaturity. You display the writing aptitude of a high school AP English student – you’re trying too hard.

    Thanks for the heads up tweet Wendus.

  12. I too hate it when simpletons fail to adopt my profound, esoteric taste in music. I also wish that others would speak in bastardized, anacoluthic English. Wow, these guys really get me.

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