Artist: Alphabeat

Album: The Beat Is…

Reviewer: Mike Diver

BBC Music, 2010

Writing Disorders: Idea Fever, Infectious Punctuation, Jargon Palsy








Longest Sentence: 66 words

Runner-up: 53 words

Bronze Medal: 49 words

If Only: “raising its pulse and stepping out of a flat-sounding comfort zone”




Mike, I’m not finished with you yet. Lately I’ve been using Metacritic and Cloudspeakers to find truly awful reviews to kick, and through the luck of the draw I got another of yours. Isn’t it funny how two services used to promote critics end up landing them here? Tee-hee.

This review wasn’t as horrible as that last POS I found not three days ago, but pretty close. There’s a lot to cover here, so pack your Cliff bars. Let’s start with just one of your sentences vying for the title of most parts per million:

“DJ finds the pair exchanging lines atop a bouncy-enough backbeat without falling into the trap of trying to out-perform each other, and recent single Hole in My Heart rides an enjoyably retro – its similarity to Black Box has been noted elsewhere, astutely so – piano-house refrain, even if Stine’s claim that she “got inside” her lover is more threatening than it is tender.”

Mike, I should probably clear something up before continuing. I’m featuring you twice in a week mostly because you’re the editor of BBC Music. Far be it from me to tell you how to do your job, but I was under the impression you’re responsible for making articles readable and attention-grabbing. Well, you really whiffed the kick in that sentence above. First off, would it kill you to put song titles in quotes or album titles in italics? Look at the first part of the sentence:

“DJ finds the pair exchanging lines atop a bouncy-enough backbeat…”

Since there’s nothing denoting DJ as a song title, I can only assume you’re talking about an episode of “Full House” where the older sister walks in on Joey and Becky talking dirty on some reverse cowgirl. I might have a deviant mind, Mike, but I doubt everyone else on the roll was reading free and clear. That title (DJ) was a mere three words away from the name “Anders SG,” a band member. Can you picture the confusion that may arise without quotation marks? Also bear in mind you’re reviewing an album that has an ellipsis in the title. Imagine how that might cause problems without italics.  While you’re mulling it over, let’s move on to the next bit:

“Holy in My Heart rides an enjoyably retro – its similarity to Black Box has been noted elsewhere, astutely so – piano-house refrain, even if…”

No matter how much you want them to, people don’t read in bullet-time, Mike. What the hell was the point of including that Black Box reference in the middle of the sentence? A while back I read somewhere that most people are incredibly slow and inefficient readers. Now I’m more inclined to believe it’s not because of bad habits, but because their averages are blown with roadblocks like that. Next time, Editor Diver, you might spare your readers the indignity of having to trudge back up a sentence to understand it. All it takes is an edit.

I don’t just have a problem with your poor execution, Mike. You’re one of the dullest, most soulless writers I’ve ever had the misfortune of reading. Read this:

“Always Up With You is a hit in waiting, should a dance-minded producer step in to exaggerate its floor-filling elements – like Hole in My Heart it exhibits piano-house overtones enough to trigger flickers of nostalgia amongst certain listeners.”

Jesus dude…

Clubber 1: Hmmm…it appears a dance-minded producer has exaggerated the floor-filling elements of this song.

Clubber 2: I agree. The piano-house overtones are triggering flickers of nostalgia in me.

Clubber 1: Would you like to gyrate in rhythm to my movements on an open section of recreational space?

Clubber 2: I accept your invitation.

Mike, if I was to conk you in the head, would it pop off and start spraying white fluid over your fried circuits? If there’s any warmth coursing through your veins, it doesn’t show up in your writing. I’ve read more exciting stuff about subtle shifts in the commodities market. This is MUSIC, for Christ’s sake. If you can’t tell us about an album of music without droning on like postmodern Paul Harvey, you might be in the wrong field.

Don’t believe me? Let your words speak for themselves:

“this platter of past-perishable pop mimicry, these clichéd regurgitations of ubiquitous motifs”

“the missteps outweigh any flashes of innate pop ability to a substantial extent”

“a nadir for a group once heralded as purveyors of the very brightest pop”

Say what you will about a Danish dance band that uses auto-tune, but at least they didn’t write this junk. Please get your glands checked out, Mike, for the good of humanity.