Stuart Berman’s Review of “Maintentant” by Gigi

Artist: Gigi

Album: Maintentant

Reviewer: Stuart Berman

Pitchfork, 2010

Writing Disorders: Jargon Palsy, Idea Fever, Toxic Tedium








Longest Sentence: 64 words

Stuffiest Phrase: “beyond this incongruity, there are redundancies”




Stuart, your awful writing might have slipped past my nets today if not for certain events in the Western Conference. When it became clear that Ivan Drago was going to beat the Nuggets, I figured I’d see what kind of dreadful slush made the cover of Pitchfork. Sure enough, there was plenty to dull the senses and strip music of all of its lure and beauty.

Honestly, do you ever feel ashamed of making all music sound like a trip to the dentist? Any album unlucky enough to feel the touch of your sterile hand ends up sounding like a cataclysm of boredom, regardless of how you felt about it.  To all the bands out there that Stuart Berman has written interminable tracts of fluff about: you have my sympathies.

Do you have any regard for an audience, Stuart, or do you just treat music writing as power training for your jargon muscle? It was hard to narrow down choice examples of your babble, but take these two for reference:

Maintenant feels more an extension of a certain Vancouver-bred pop classicism– one that dates back to Carl Newman’s pre-New Pornographers outfit Zumpano”

“it serves to contemporize an album that both deliberately evokes– both in sound and collaborative process– early-60s Brill Building pop-song production”

Both, both, huh? I’ll live with just rolling my eyes at your shop talk, but I have a major bone to pick with your second paragraph, Stu. In the span of that ONE paragraph clocking in at less than 150 words, you mentioned 21 artists and bands. 21:

Gigi, Nick Krgovich, No Kids, Colin Stewart, Black Mountain, the Pipettes, Lucky Soul, Camera Obscura, Carl Newman, New Pornographers, Zumpano, Young and Sexy, Duffy Driediger, Ladyhawk, Veda Hille, Rose Melberg, Tiger Trap, The Softies, Karl Blau, Mirah, Owen Pallet

That’s a lot to keep tabs on in such a tight space. Look, I’m sure you’re beaming with pride after deciphering the connection between “soft-pop peers” of “Vancouver-scene mainstays,” but what you wrote reads like alphabet soup. If listeners are interested enough to want the complicated history of each band member and session contributor, then they can satisfy that urge with the liner notes and Google. Other folks might just want to know how you felt about the album you’re reviewing.

When that opinion finally comes, it’s in the usual castrated form of the third person making textbook observations:

“Driediger proves himself a surprisingly gentle crooner on the charming boys-do-cry serenade “The Hundredth Time”

“I’m Not Coming Out Tonight” channels its post-breakup desperation into a heavenly orchestral ascension”

How delightful! Sure makes me want to listen after I awake from this text-induced stupor. Stuart, I think your main problem is that you write about music as if it’s a social movement that took place in the 19th century. Reading through your jargon, I wouldn’t even know that you LISTENED to the music you’re describing. It could just as easily have been stitched together from a hundred sentence fragments you culled from search queries.

The Heat/Magic game just started, so let’s just skip to the conclusion and call it a night, okay? You need at least a decade to thaw out those balls.

“Still, as a paean to the past, Maintenant sounds right in the here and now– because for all their vintage dressing, Gigi are ultimately most interested in the bad romance that makes our present so tense.”

You know, Stuart, I call music critics “music lice” for several reasons, but few are more compelling than the closing sentences. I think it’s a slap in a band’s face when the writer can’t even use the word “I” in his opinion of their album, but he still cranks out that kind of self-absorbed chicken choke. It’s hard to read that closer after your mountain of academic slime and come to any other conclusion than thinking the only reason you’re writing about bands is to promote your name.

Well, let’s make it about you, Stu. Before you go, I’ve got one last request. A couple of people have objected to me doing this, but I really couldn’t resist. You might consider posting a picture of yourself where your eyes aren’t shifted to the 2:00 position over clenched lips. It looks creepy all lined up on Google. I fear for my liver.

16 thoughts on “Stuart Berman’s Review of “Maintentant” by Gigi

  1. To be fair this is a shocking review.. I seriously doubt that they read their own tripe back to themselves.. I’ve never understood how I’m supposed to have any clue what the bands/albums sound like. Most of the time I just get bored with the writing style and give up. So up themselves.

  2. It’s good to know that at least one other person on earth wasn’t on the edge of his seat reading that review.

  3. Ha ha! I have never read such an awful review in my life. His payoff is just embarrassing. Matt, I thank you for your unbridled snarkiness. It brightens up my day.

  4. I work on several albums every year, and was extensively involved with this record.

    I have seen many great and not-so-great albums poorly reviewed. I don’t get upset if a reviewer doesn’t like something I was involved in, I just hate it when I have no idea what they’re talking about in the first place.

    I have been calling for a website like this for a looooong time, and I love you for what you’ve just done here.

  5. Mediocre review for a decent album, for sure. If you like Gigi, I highly recommend checking out P:ano. They were like the Canadian response to The Fiery Furnaces.

  6. If one artist is evoking 21 other, diverse ones, then I actually count this as a recommendation.

    Those photos ARE really creepy!

  7. Hey there, you. Just saw this. It seems to me that you worked as a music critic, but just couldn’t cut it. Stuart Berman is a great writer and thinker. I’m biased, as I know him personally and know that he absolutely listens to every album he reviews. You cherrypicked one of his wordier pieces, and in doing so did a disservice to readers. Every critic/artist/filmmaker has a bad day, ya know. Lighten up.

  8. Oh, and what’s more, Stuart is respected by so many Canadian musicians who have personally supported him as a writer. As for the photo comments, they’re as silly as calling someone fat or ugly. Who cares what someone looks like?

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  10. Stu’s back again with a useless pitchfork review of the new Silversun Pickups. *spoiler alert* it’s mediocre.

    His review though is not even mediocre. He constantly acts like it’s so obvious how to make great music and how SP is pathetic in trying to do such predictably stuff so badly.

    Somehow he never talks about the album or it’s merits on its terms. He just j$#@ks off on ‘Lazy Eye’ for 10 minutes and misspells ‘dutifully’. Classic.

    What a hack.

  11. He also claims that the new SP album is their third, he thinks Carnavas is their first and not Pikul. The guy is a hack. I sent him an email and his claim was that Pikul was an EP. Interesting, since an EP is usually less than 25 minutes and Pikul is pushing the upper limits of 36. Whatever.

  12. This website is amazing. I have just discovered this site.. and oh my god. Pure truth.

    Through one change of events to an another I ended up on Pitchfork reading a review of an album by some band called Mono that was done by this guy. I read the first paragraph and after wondering if there was actually a photo of this guy, or if his head had just become permanently pinned up his ass after clearly spending most its time there, I searched his name and found this site..

    Thank you. The things I see and feel when I read 99% of reviews on Pitchfork you have brought to reality.

  13. I tend to pull the punches when asked for my opinion but I can really appreciate a sharp-tongued piece of writing when it’s done well. The Hannibal Lecter reference at the end really took the cake for me – those photos of Stu are making me fear for my liver too!

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