RipFork

Artist: Spoon

Album: Transference

Reviewer: Matthew Perpetua

Pitchfork, 2010

Writing Disorders: Detachment Syndrome, Idea Fever

Review Length: 940 words

Longest Sentence: 52 words

Most Emo Phrase: “the feeling of flailing around and failing in search of meaningful connections”

Matthew, I’ll let you in on a little secret. I didn’t JUST include you on this site for the obscene word count on this condensed book of a review. I didn’t JUST choose your review because it will net my site more visitors by virtue of the band’s popularity. And I didn’t ONLY get motivated to tickle your writing because you’re such a transparent sycophant. Nope. I was more interested how you approached this album with such a conspicuously limp trigger finger.

To illustrate what I mean, let’s play a game. I’m going to lob three quotes at you, and you tell me what they all have in common. Ready?

“It wouldn’t make sense for him to tell you anything he doesn’t know himself”

“this counterintuitive move makes sense in context, indicating distraction and tongue-tied indecision”

“the progression always makes a certain emotional sense”

You know, Matthew, I’d like to think you innocently three-peated the “makes sense” trope by getting lost in your own thousand-word review. However, I’m just going to go ahead and call bullshit. Do you know how many artists get reamed for doing the same things you’re lauding without being given the benefit of the contextual doubt? Quite a few. And while I’m sure this is a cool album, I don’t think Spoon simply blows the competition out of the water when it comes to something as nebulous as “tongue-tied indecision.” If it makes sense to you, bravo beans, but if you’re in bed with a band, then at least write like a fan, not a historian. You know, “I think it wouldn’t make sense…”

Apparently, that short order is just too tall for you. It appears the only thing you fear worse than keeping a review under six paragraphs is referencing yourself during the course of it. Ahem…

“Who Makes Your Money” has you wobbling along with Daniel in a concussed haze”

“We’re knocked off-balance from the beginning”

“an intimate “live” sound that gives the impression that you’ve accidentally stumbled into a Spoon rehearsal.”

Don’t you think you should express what YOU think before you start yanking me or any other reader along for your magical metaphor ride? Why are you so afraid of the toxic first person? You don’t have to jump in all at once, you know. You could start with maybe one “I,” or two if you’re feeling super brave. Maybe I’m playing devil’s advocate. At the same time, maybe you could put a name to your own opinions. In the meantime, allow me to provide the next best thing: a face.

Internet’s a wonderful thing, Matthew. I’ll keep reading if you keep writing.