RipFork

Artist: XX

Album: xx

Reviewer: Andrew Gaerig

Pitchfork, 2009

Writing Disorders: Idea Fever, Jargon Palsy

Longest Sentence: 63 words

Most Ironic Phrase: “hospital-tile sterile”

Andrew, this is one of the silliest reviews I’ve read in a while. The points you make in your lumbering sentences and the strange academic writing that crops up every time you mention the dirty deed – I’m really at a loss. Let’s examine some of it, shall we? Bit by bit.

“The xx are four 20-year-olds from South London who make predominantly slow, furtive pop music, mostly about sex.”

I tell ya, nothing’s sexier than predominantly slow, furtive pop music. Dim the lights, ladies, and get ready for some shifty guitars set to a sub-100 beat. Come on Andrew, the least you could do is hold this helping of postmodernism at bay to give “sex” a modicum of sexiness.

“Their list of influences is potent but imperfect: Young Marble Giants (too shaggy and heavy-lidded); Japan (too robust and theatric); Glass Candy (too quick and glammy)”

Too shaggy? Like yak? What the hell are you talking about? Apart from sounding like a complete douche by labeling these bands less than optimal, you drive the point home with your rows of two neatly-oriented adjectives apiece. Would it have killed you to just write “Their influences include Young Marble Giants, Japan, and Glass Candy?” Maybe Glass Candy doesn’t feel like being a part of a completely different band’s review in no other capacity than to be labeled too glammy. Maybe that’s kind of a dick move.

Most is purple prose, but some of your writing is just unintentionally funny:

“it’s nearly incomprehensible to think that a group so fresh-faced produced xx”

I know what you mean, dude. Those four 20-year-olds from South London pouring warm olive oil on each other in the sylvan glen – without a THIRD “x,” mind you – it’s nearly incomprehensible.  Mmmmm…soo fresh-faced.

Ahem…moving on to some titanic sentences:

“Unlike contemporary R&B fetishists Hot Chip or Discovery, who have clearly spent long hours internalizing Timbaland, the Neptunes, and other radio cognoscenti, the xx incorporate more abstract elements of the genre: a liberal use of bass tones and an unwavering focus on sex and interpersonal relationships.”

Andrew, what’s with you flinging in a reference to sex at the end of very long sentences? This is starting to become a pattern. Are you afraid to make sex the centerpiece of a thought? And come on dude, “interpersonal relationships?” Seriously? You can write “relationships” without the qualifying adjective, Andrew. It’s not our first instinct to think you’re talking about animal husbandry or electromagnetic force interactions.

Oh, remember that pattern of you writing like a weirdo about sex? Here’s some more of the sequence:

“a post-coital musing”

“it’s unclear whether lights-turned-on activity is sex or… something besides sex.”

“xx is nervy and self-contained, the product of a new band thinking a lot harder about topics—sex”

“four short thumbings”

I’m sorry if it offends you, man, but although I rarely laugh out loud while reading music reviews, I was guffawing at yours. Pick up a copy of “Who Am I Now?” and don’t be afraid to ask your parents any questions you might have. Remember, those changes going on down there are nothing to be ashamed of.

That’s your business, though, so I’ll just wrap this up with a couple of strips of bacon I found towards the end of your review:

“”Infinity”‘s slow-strummed electric chords feel like late-period Radiohead”

You mean recent Radiohead? As far as I know, there aren’t legions of hipsters wailing in the streets at an announced breakup of the band, so you don’t get to describe its tenure in geologic terms. At least not yet, I’m afraid.

And the last gem:

“the product of a new band thinking a lot harder about topics– sex, composition, volume– than we are accustomed to new bands thinking”

You know, Andrew, a long time ago some man somewhere wrote that the riff in STP’s “Sex Type Thing” was boneheaded. That line you just wrote — you know, the one bereft of any meaning beyond the bare obvious? THAT’s boneheaded.

Please take these points to heart before you write your next 700-word review, Andrew. I’ll be watching.