RipFork

Artist: M.A.N.D.Y.

Album: Renaissance: The Mix Collection

Reviewer: Jess Harvell

Pitchfork, 2009

Writing Disorders: Infectious Punctuation, Jargon Palsy

Number of Hyphens: 35

Jess, this is the second time you’ve been featured on RipFork and it’s mostly for the same reasons as the first go round. Like most other music critics, you have a severe aversion to brevity. Take this sentence for an example:

“M.A.N.D.Y. have used the platform provided by UK superclub imprint Renaissance– which once meant you’d ascended to the ranks of dance music’s money-making populist frontline– to put together a history-lesson-cum-slow-burn showcase, rather than a cutesy game of connect-the-dots between Old Tune X and New Tune Y.”

Jess, writing lengthy parenthetical or double-dash asides in an already ponderous review just makes it more difficult to read. And when the asides are so packed with jargon that the reader forgets what the original sentence was even about, you’re not doing well on audience retention. It’s not like the jargon adds more to our understanding of the album you’re reviewing. It just tells us that you’re afraid to use the word “fans.” Money-making populist frontline? Jesus Christ, kid, you need some fresh air.

While we’re on the subject of obtuse phrasing, we might as well touch on that hyphenated monster you chucked in for good measure. Luckily I took Latin in college to know that “cum” in this case probably means “with” and not “semen.” I understand that most people who read Pitchfork for fun are probably more Latin-literate than your average Redtube viewer, but couldn’t you have just written something else? Something less…I don’t know…bullshitty?

Speaking of BS, you could be making all of your claims up as far as I know, but you use so many hyphens and slashes that it’s difficult to tell…or care. Read this crap:

“beats-and-bass legends”

“proto-IDM and 21st-century freak-house”

“streamlined late-aughts dance music”

“quasi-noise/rock weirdness”

“the identikit minimal/deep pack”

“cross-genre/decade fearlessness”

Who knows, Jess? Maybe these references are obvious to the populist frontline and I’m just ignorant. Maybe I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about and I should leave the “low-key minimal/deep house goodness” to those who listen to it. Maybe I deserve the wrath of “innovation-fixated cranks” for besmirching their beloved music and not taking the time to understand your obese writing. But if that wrath is coming from people who “shake their head in bemused laughter” at “super-pungent Francophile kitsch,” then I think I can take the abuse. I can bench my weight.

I am a little curious about this M.A.N.D.Y. duo, though. What little I can understand from your review, their music seems worthwhile somehow.

“it’s the outré and half-forgotten stuff, the odd little hooks and nostalgia-triggering throwbacks, strewn among the austere beeps and pulses, that will keep you coming back.”

I LOVE austere beeps! Boy, I’m going to go out and buy the vinyl version of this album so I can fully appreciate the outré! Without a doubt, it will keep me coming back.

Eh, that’ll do it for now. Jess, even though you racked up another mulligan here, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention something positive you managed to execute. You gave an album a rating ending in a zero. Shiny gold star for you.