RipFork

Artist: U2

Album: All That You Can’t Leave Behind

Reviewer: Brent Dicrescenzo

Pitchfork, 2000

Writing Disorders: Purple Hemorrhage, Jargon Palsy

Most Emo Phrase: “It’s an early affair, a hazy infatuation, that has since bloated into comfortable taking-for-granted”

It’s Saturday and it’s snowing out. Most music zines don’t post updates on weekends, so I decided to revisit the archives on this one. And what better way to do justice to decade-old music criticism than to feature one of its most rightly maligned wordsmiths? Without further ado, a young Brent Dicrescenzo takes on U2’s “All That You Can’t Leave Behind.” There’s plenty of vintage Brent D. in this one:

“Beautiful Day” opens with bombast after a cheeky keyboard tease, and peaks with Bono’s cracking voice in the shouted coda”

Captain, we have renegade assonance off the port bow. Shall we attempt to evade the salvo or counter the attack with long “a” vowel sounds? Gee whiz, Brent, you sure you’re not a poet in disguise? Check out this brain-clobbering verse you wrote:

“U2 was a rock constellation– a warplane”

“a lobotomized approximation of glory”

“Beautiful day, certainly, but the rest of the week was all jetlag and rain”

You’ve smitten my heart with your winsome love arrows, Brent. Can we smooch under a tree after you read me your honeyed words? I’ll even let you tickle me with your unrelenting jargon.

“This new batch of songs heralds a conscious and welcome revocation of dance-inflected bubbleglam”

OHHHHHHH, YES! You have no idea how much I love obscure, borderline made-up genres of music to inflate a sense of self-importance. Give me MORE! How about you hit me hard with some thoughts on what makes good poetry?

“”Elevation” slaughters hope with reckless chops of the hackneyed sword, as Bono commits songwriting faux pas #1: rhyming “sky” with “fly” and “high.”

Before I tackle this, I’m going to end the whole sexual vibe I started, Brent. I take back my offer for smooching and tickling under the tree. No offense, but you look like this:

Now let’s go back to your griping about Bono’s use of rhyme. Is it songwriting faux pas #2 to rhyme “hide” and “inside,” like he did on “Where the Streets Have No Name?” Or does that rank behind rhyming “dead” and “head” on “One?” Since you’re such a good wordsmith, Brent, I’m sure you’d come up with much better words for “Elevation.” Here’s how I figure you might have written the lyrics, judging from your writing style:

“Lofty, at greater altitude than a G-type main sequence star

You expel me from a blunderbuss

I require you to hoist me aloft hither

At the termini of your fleshy maxillae coverings

As the elliptical track of your pelvic bones

Obscure partially or completely

You hoist aloft my construct of organized religion

I possess no inhibitory response

Been existing like a subterranean, poorly sighted rodent

Plumbing the depths, soil removal

Towering and towering amidst the ionosphere

You manipulate my hypothalamus

So towering

Point above sea level”

I might be taking my imagination for a reckless spin, Brent, but if at any point you care to prove me wrong, you could always record some of your own music and put it online for us to listen. I’m sure Tool fans are just aching to hear it.

Alas, I’m afraid I’ll have to console myself with your thoughts on how one of the most popular bands alive should make their music:

“Epic midtempo should always follow punchy power-rock, you see. Nice, but unexciting.”

Right, Brent. I’m sure you’d say the exact same snarky thing about “Climbing Up the Walls” following “Electioneering” on Ok Computer. I think I know what you mean, though. A U2 album NOT from the 1980s? They should know better.

“Here, Bono seems dead set on ruining U2′s return with clichés”

Yeah, the fans really rejected U2 after they released this album. 10 years later, they’re lucky if they can sell 650,000 tickets in seven hours. Total ruination, man.

I could go on, but I’ve had enough. I need food. Thank goodness for internet archiving, Brent, or else people these days might not even know who you were. Don’t worry, I’ll continue to let them know.