RipFork

Artist: The Slits

Album: Trapped Animal

Reviewer: Tommy Brewer

Tiny Mix Tapes, 2009

Writing Disorders: Jargon Palsy, Purple Hemorrhage

Adverb Foul: fierily off-kilter, particularly weird, characteristically frank

Dollar Word: patois

Tommy, you need to work on your words. All throughout your review, you pull crap out of the dark recesses of a dictionary.

Let’s begin.

“fierily off-kilter punk rock animosity”

Jesus H. Christ, man. First off, who in the history of English has ever said “fierily?” If there was an adverb police, they’d be cuffing you for that tragedy. Second, why the hell do you need so many modifiers in a phrase that makes better sense on its own? Just write “punk rock animosity.”

And then there’s this:

“the sheer terribleness of the songs”

I’ve only heard “terribleness” once before. It was on a Mew album, and they get a pass because they’re from Denmark and English is their second language. I’m going to assume that you speak English just fine, Tommy Brewer. There are plenty of other words you could have used without sounding like a minstrel.

If you haven’t gathered, I’m someone who thinks that an opinion writer shouldn’t bash a musician’s lyrics without realizing he writes so poorly himself. And you certainly bash the lyrics on this album, Tommy. You consistently prattle on about how you don’t understand them.

“The lyrics are characteristically frank, though frequently nonsensical”

“these moments are far outweighed by huge what-the-fuck lyrical moments”

“The album’s lyrics range from refreshingly angry to completely baffling.”

Well, Tommy, maybe you’re the one who should get a 30% for flunking Understanding Words 101. If you didn’t get the lyrics, then maybe you shouldn’t draw attention to that fact.

Actually, here’s a thought. Maybe the lyrics weren’t written for rock critics named Tommy. Maybe they were written for the people who can understand them, who feel them, who can relate to them. Giving poor marks to an artist because he or she didn’t write poetry that you can easily understand is lazy, Tommy. Lazy.

There are many times that I don’t know what the hell you’re writing about, Tommy. But you’re not an artist. You’re someone who criticizes artists. So, I don’t feel ashamed at poking fun at you for not making sense to me personally. I really quite enjoy it.

“They made the Sex Pistols and The Damned sound like mindless cock rock”

What is mindless cock rock? Or a better question might be, what is mindful cock rock? Cock rock that celebrates the male shaft with fervor, but respects the struggle of the pussy?

“remind us of how silly reggae can sound in the hands of well-intentioned white people.”

And also apparently reminds us that ill-intentioned white people can sound chunky like the black man.

“If someone had told me a few weeks ago that a Slits album would feature Auto-Tune, I would have laughed in her face.”

You got a strange sense of humor, dude.

I’ll leave it at that.