Album: Digital Shades Volume 1
Critic: Matt Wendus
Publication: Usounds, 2007
Writing Disorders: Purple Hemorrhage, Jargon Palsy
Most Emo Phrase: “each song draws sorrow out of the listener’s body, like venom from a ripped wound.”
Biggest WTF Moment: “It’s a morose catharsis that reflects the cold chemical answers that our current and future civilizations look to for aid.”
Yes, I wrote this music review. Yes, I am serious. I don’t think it’s right to badmouth another man’s garbage if I’m not prepared to rip my own. And this garbage review I wrote years ago deserves a close look.
I wrote like a dolt, but humor me and take a close look at what I did write. Notice anything familiar about the writing? Now that you’ve read it, do you think that I was so very different from the people I’ve already savaged on this site? I don’t think I was. And for me it’s a question of why. Was I swiping from stuff I thought I should emulate, or do certain boys and girls just…write like that no matter what the venue?
Who knows. Let’s look at my idiot review.
First there’s the “beef up the BS with more words” introduction:
“as technology advances with the times, the detail demanded during the analog days of electronica is often passed over in favor of letting the machines just do their thing”
Yeah…if you were to guess that I didn’t know anything about analog keyboards, you’d be right. I was talking out of my ass.
Second, when I was waffling with buzzwords like “atmospherics,” I spared no expense on adjectives:
“…able to incorporate the souls of woeful balladeers into a highly micro-analyzed take on ambient electronic”
Speaking of “woeful,” that was bad, but this is worse:
“The tempos are slowed and the mood is reigned into atmospherics”
And take a look at the stuff I crammed into my conclusion conclusion:
“scathing flares of static carry the ghostly voices forward in their dirge”
What the hell is this? The script to “A Druid Family Christmas?”
Matt from two years ago, we’ll meet again.