RipFork

Artist: Them Crooked Vultures

Album: Them Crooked Vultures

Reviewer: Joe Colly

Pitchfork, 2009

Writing Disorders: Ambiguity Sickness, Purple Hemorrhage

BS That Sounds About Right: “the majors’ slow death and the general grab-bag atmosphere of the industry makes these collaborations easier than ever”

Joe, I chose your review for a few reasons. Most had to do with the poor writing, but one reason was purely incidental. If I recognize the band or musicians playing on an album reviewed by Pitchfork, I can almost always guess the reviewer’s rating to within three-tenths of a point. In this case, I guessed you gave Them Crooked Vultures a 5.9. Lo and behold, 6.2 was your final verdict.

I was able to guess so accurately in this case because you’re reviewing an album by a “supergroup.” And like many other rock critics who have a queasy aversion to well-known musicians making music together, you show many telltale signs in your review. None of them make much sense as reasons to criticize a band. Take your opening as an example:

“There was something almost quaint about watching Them Crooked Vultures’ recent performance at Washington D.C.’s 9:30 Club. Yes, the music was punishingly loud and, sure, the chops on display were near godlike, but a bunch of dudes pumping their fists to a hard-rock supergroup?”

I don’t understand why men pumping fists at a hard rock show is out of the ordinary, unless you mean how bodily expressions of enjoyment are rare at the 9:30 Club. I suppose you’re one of the 99% at 9:30 Club shows who seems to think that making a full flexion and extension of a muscle might reveal some uncomfortable irony. Maybe that was the reason the crowd didn’t go beyond toe tapping at the Ladytron show I saw there.

I figured you’d be sitting on the 5 to 6 point fence in this review, Joe, and this next sentence supported my theory with gusto:

“there’s a looseness at play that seems to stem in part from Homme and Grohl getting to live out a boyhood fantasy. Oddly that becomes kind of a problem on the record.”

Seems? In Part? Oddly? Kind of? If you’re so unsure of why you don’t like the record, then you might be better off liking it. Though I suppose if there wasn’t “kind of a problem,” you might have had to give the album something other than a rating between 6.1 and 6.7. GASP!

Let’s move on to the bad writing. Here’s one of my favorite examples:

“even those dubious of these projects couldn’t help but register excitement”

…or register confusion. I have to hand it to you, Joe. I’ve never seen two demonstrative pronouns mating in the same clause in such an awkward position before now. The result is an ugly baby.

Then came the obligatory attempt to sound like Jack Kerouac. After all, how else is a music writer to distinguish himself if not through self-serving prose?

“druggy, mutant blues, loud/soft dynamics, songs about sex, and regular forays into the silly and absurd.”

Joe, I’m going to venture a guess and say that the reason you wrote “mutant blues” is that it’s assonant and not because Josh Homme plays blues with denatured proteins. And Jesus, it’s been more than 20 years since Surfer Rosa. Can we please stop using the phrase “loud/soft dynamics?” While we’re at it, let’s also put a moratorium on “pop sensibility,” “swirling synth,” and “knack for melody.”

I personally don’t think album reviews should run longer than 100 words, but even if you feel you have to write such longwinded tracts about a compact disc, you could still trim some of the redundancy. Take this for example:

“(Grohl, in particular, is excellent throughout, affirming once again his destined place in a rock band)”

What else has Dave Grohl been doing for the past 20 years to make the case otherwise? Did he start playing pro golf in 1998 or something? Really Joe, you could have dropped that bit, or just commented on his drumming. Tell you what. I’m going to write a comparable sentence and you can tell me if it’s just as redundant as yours.

“(Tiger Woods, in particular, was excellent in this PGA tournament, affirming once again his destined place on the golf links.)”

Redundant.

And finally, we have your conclusion. It was more or less what I expected.

“Having said that, Them Crooked Vultures still feels like a record to be checked off a list rather than one to live with and fully invest in.”

…because the album doesn’t do the dishes and doesn’t promise a reasonable rate of return? While we’re on the subject, here’s a list you might find useful, Joe:

1. Edit

Maybe in your next review you can check that one off.