RipFork

Artist: Nickelback

Album: Dark Horse

Reviewer: Evan Sawdey

PopMatters, 2008

Writing Disorders: Scorn Disease

Most Emo Phrase: “an unabashed celebration of the heterosexual hedonism”

Funniest Line: “from the sounds of it, he’s as horny as ever”

As always, my purpose on this site is not defending bands. That’s up to them. My purpose is to make fun of music criticism because music criticism is stupid. I don’t listen to Nickelback.

Evan, this review isn’t much of a review. It’s more of a journal entry of a beef you have with the lead singer of a Canadian band. Take this:

“Instead of coming off as macho, however, Kroeger sounds sophomoric, inane and downright stupid.”

Regardless of whether or not Kroeger is the next Charles Bronson, the way you cast your vote in the negative is pretty funny. It sounds like something the nerd mutters in his mind when the dumb jock starts sucking face with the cheerleader. DAMN BOBBY JONES…you’re too sophomoric to get to third base with HER.

You can feel however you want, but I figure whatever bones I have with that guy, he’s got more money and fans than I’ll ever accumulate. And that’s pretty macho. And while I’m sure if you were asked if you wanted to be him, you’d say “icky NO,” you could probably learn to sport the Scott Stapp hairdo as easily as the rest of us. That is, If it meant getting something more than a free Nickelback album for writing a 500-word review on a website.

“Dark Horse is one of the most introverted, self-serving albums you’re likely to hear all year.”

Yeah, screw those introverts. Good thing introversion is uncommon in rock music.

“Virtually every song on the disc tackles sex or drinking (or both)-an unabashed celebration of the heterosexual hedonism that Kroeger feels entitled to.”

Entitled to? Well, yeah, man. He’s got barrels of money, at least one girl per concert who’d smoke his cigar for a VIP pass, and probably enough booze to fill Lake Baikal. Though I suppose maybe he should abash his celebration more. I get what you’re saying now. Sex and drinking is best done on the down low. Especially if it’s heterosexual. Yucky eww.

Next, the poetry judging competition!

“She rocks it like the naughty Wicked Witch of the West” he declares on “Shakin’ Hands”, a line that’s laughably bad not because of Kroeger’s poor word choices, but because Kroeger delivers the “it” without even a hint of irony.”

Gee Mrs. Evans, can’t you be a little easy on Chad this term? Seriously, are you grading papers in freshman English? Listen to what you’re saying to this guy: “Your music is LAUGHABLE because you didn’t incorporate words I found more appropriate, NOR did you exhibit irony that I felt was necessary!”

“Kroeger objectifies women in a way that borders on downright offensive.”

But if he’d objectified women differently, it wouldn’t be downright offensive? I take offense to you, Evan Sawdey. Women are NOT objects.

And I love your closing paragraph.

“In the end, yes, Nickelback is “critic-proof”, as evidenced by Dark Horse debuting at number two on the charts shortly before this review ran, proving no criticism-no matter how scathingly bad-can keep this band down.”

I think you meant to say “no matter how scathing.” The way you wrote it, you’re saying that Nickelback is immune to bad criticism, not criticism that is negative. How ironic, Mrs. Evans.

Let’s see if you’re critic-proof.