RipFork

Artist: Electric Six

Album: Kill

Reviewer: Ethan Stanislawski

Prefix, 2009

Writing Disorders: Detachment Syndrome

TMI: “It’s difficult to dance”

Stuffiest Phrase: “the level of complacency on display is rather painful to listen to”

Ethan, this review was a mix of poor editing, nonsensical claims, and inflating opinion as fact. Let’s start with the nonsense first:

“If Electric Six were to ever grow up, would they cease to be Electric Six?”

I’d say no, as long as they remain a six-piece band and play electric instruments. I don’t see what growing up has to do with canceling out the name. You might want to get your Confucius fan fiction aligned properly, Ethan. But hold onto that riddle, though. Save it for a rainy day. If The Get Up Kids were to ever stay down on the floor or become sexually mature adults, they might cease to be The Get Up Kids. All parts fit. You’re good to go.

The nonsense continues:

“a novelty hit that sounds less and less like a novelty over time”

Yeah, that tends to happen to novelties. Try breaking out a dictionary, Ethan.

And a bit more nonsense for good measure:

“With one song, aided by a powerful friend in Jack White, the band became indie favorites”

A powerful friend in Jack White? You mean like a friend inside Jack White’s body? Yeah, I might be playing Devil’s advocate, but you could have just written “aided by a powerful friend named Jack White.”

At the southern border of nonsense, we come across Ethan Stanislawski, band coach:

“If the Electric Six are sincerely going to mature, they’re going to have to do better than the cheap local references in “Escape from Ohio,” the half-assed allusions to low-rent posers, new fast-food puns, and a rather sick, in a bad way, fame fantasy.”

Ah, hell. Since we’re throwing suggestions around, I’ll offer a few to you. First, if you’re writing an aside, then please block it off in parentheses. You know, like this:

“and a rather sick (in a bad way) fame fantasy.”

Or better yet, you could just get rid of it altogether. It’s not like your audience is going to think you meant a sick fame fantasy in the “good” way.

Next, you might want to try reading your review before you post it, because you’ve got some serious pronoun disagreement going on. Here’s an example:

“Six years after the band’s debut, it’s tried to fix a formula that wasn’t broken, and they’ve done it with remarkably self-aware laziness.”

Gotta make a choice, Ethan. Is “band” singular or plural? Flip a coin if you must, but just keep it consistent.

And dude, what the hell is the deal with your final bit? “Remarkably self-aware laziness?” That’s about as graceful as a pug trying to walk on one leg. EDIT.

Finally, please either substantiate your claims or write them as claims, not facts. Here, take a read:

“the band is acknowledging that its new album isn’t any good.”

“Kill proves that the band also knows its weaknesses”

Unless you’re a member of the band or have been spying on them intimately for years, then you’re really just grafting your poor opinion of an album onto a band’s motivation. You don’t know diddly squat about what the band is acknowledging or knows about itself. Regardless of whether album reviews are really journalism or just bad poetry, writing claims as facts without direct verification from the source or eyewitnesses is bad business. So, here’s an insurance policy you might find useful. It’s called “I think.”

Watch what happens when we apply your new “I think” insurance policy:

“I think the band is acknowledging that its new album isn’t any good.”

“I think Kill proves that the band also knows its weaknesses.”

Whoa, look at that! An opinion written as an opinion! Zounds! Yes, I know “I think” makes you sound like less of an absolute authority in music. But Ethan, you’re not an authority in music. No one is. People just know a bit about a smidge. Acknowledging that every once in a while might be positive for everyone.